True Love
By Jennifer Y. Levy-Peck, Ph.D.
UTM Counseling Center
As Valentine’s Day approaches, true love is on our minds. Advertisements tell us that you have to give expensive gifts to show true love. Movies and television tell us that you have to jump into bed immediately to show true love. I believe that a real love story is as much about character as passion. Most of us want true love for a lifetime, and a lifetime is too long for passion alone to support romance.
What is true love? It is only partially the thrilling, sexy, wonderful beginning of a relationship in which there is mutual attraction. When I think of true love, I think of the radiant smile on someone’s face when their partner enters the room. I think of my mother and father, who held hands at every opportunity until their 56-year-long marriage was ended by death. I think of the young couple who truly try to make each other’s life more pleasant rather than taking out their stresses on each other. I think of the little, loving things that happily married people do just to enjoy their spouse’s pleasure.
The building blocks of true love are passion, appreciation, and consideration. People who love each other don’t demean each other. They don’t intentionally hurt each other, they don’t try to deceive each other, they don’t speak badly of each other. I once read a study of couples in marital counseling which said that the best predictor of marriages that would eventually break up was one spouse giving a negative facial expression while the other was talking – like rolling their eyes or showing that they thought what the other person was saying was stupid. Couples who love each other may certainly disagree, but there is still a rational part of them which says, “I love this person, and while I don’t agree, I’m sure that there is some reason he or she feels this way.”
This is not to say that loving couples don’t drive each other crazy at times, once the initial rush of romance is over. They certainly do. My uncle, who adored his opinionated wife, used to say, “I’ve never thought of divorce. Homicide, yes, but not divorce!” True lovers think their partners are terrific, at least most of the time. They are proud of their accomplishments and tolerant of their foibles. They may complain, but it is usually with a laugh. When their partner truly needs their help, they don’t begrudge it in any way.
What can you do if you are still waiting for Cupid’s arrow to strike?
Don’t settle. It’s fine to have casual relationships if you wish, but I’m enough of a romantic to believe that everyone deserves the real deal. If you don’t really like your partner, and you don’t truly feel that he or she likes you, all the passion or companionship in the world won’t make it a love match. Don’t start a relationship thinking that you will reform your partner. If you can’t love your partner as is, the chances are slim that you will ultimately have what you want.
Work on yourself. Do you remember I said that character plays a big role in true love? You can develop your own character. Practice kindness, consideration, and a positive attitude in your friendships and family relationships. Instead of whining that Prince or Princess Charming isn’t around to give you a valentine this year, make one and give it to your grandma or someone in a local nursing home. If you have problems controlling your anger or you are irritable or depressed, get some help so that you are better prepared for a loving relationship. Learn how to communicate effectively and to resolve conflicts productively. The better developed you are as an individual, the greater the chances of your being able to form a sustaining, lasting bond with someone else.
Think about what you want. I find it sad that when I ask students to think of a couple they know who has a great relationship, many of them can’t think of a single pair. If your parents had a negative relationship or a bitter divorce, it may be hard for you to believe in “happily ever after.” Make a conscious effort to become acquainted with some people who have good marriages or long-term relationships, or do some reading, talking and journal writing about what is important to you.
Pay attention to timing. Passionate attraction can develop in a minute, but true love takes time. If you think you love someone you don’t know very well, be honest and label your feeling “infatuation.” There is nothing wrong with infatuation, but it is not the same as true love. For most people, sex is better if it comes after a loving relationship is well established, not at the end of an evening of partying. Speaking of timing, I’m old-fashioned enough to believe that, if possible, babies deserve parents who are mature enough and committed enough to have a strong marriage before they think of having a family. If you think having a baby together will pave the road to true love, please think it over – it seldom does. If you are under enormous stress in your life, or drinking or drugging a lot, or recovering from a failed relationship, deal with those problems first before you go looking for love. Be suspicious of anyone who pressures you to move a relationship along too quickly, or who seems so needy that he/she can’t give you time to let the relationship grow naturally.
Believe you are lovable. If you work on your relationship skills and you demonstrate a loving nature in your dealings with others, you have a good chance of finding and developing true love. Don’t let past mistakes or the negative things you say to yourself get in the way of believing that you deserve the best. You really do deserve someone who thinks you are wonderful, who wants your happiness as much as his or her own, who is mature and stable enough to have something to give, who treats you well, who loves to talk to you and hold you, and who makes your heart beat faster. That’s true love – and it’s worth waiting for. Have a great Valentine’s Day!
Copyright 2001 by Jennifer Y. Levy
